Leaping in LOVE!

Stardate: December Twenty-fifth, Zero Ten 

Place: Sea level Hawai'i

How do we know it's our heart breaking?

Maybe it's the stomach?

Or maybe even a kidney or the small intestine that feels crushed and aches?

Sometimes, I feel it is the throat. It gets all balled up and tight and feels like no more breath can be delivered anywhere. 

How do we know we love someone?

How do we know they are the person we want to spend the next decade with?
And especially how do those of us that fall in love with everybody know one of those is one to partner up with?

Falling in love with everybody is not what is may appear to be at first. I mean, I tend to love anyone that feels they are cut from the same cloth. We may have a bunch of shtuff in common, We may speak a similar language, and I am not talking about mere English. I mean this on a metaphysical level. We may have lived life full on and can share experiences, share tragedies, share traumas, share hope.


And using the word "falling" is not quite the right word. Falling implies tripping and/or being hurt. To love is simply to love. Let's just say instead of "falling in love", we say "leaping in love".


I have hurt and been hurt.
Who hasn't?
(Oops if that's you, well, maybe you could step outside and meet people! Hahaha!)
And in the being hurt, in the depth of that sadness, when I look over my shoulder and see a tsunami of grief and pain and you know there's no running from it, well I try out a new surfboard and see if I could just stay on top of it for a bit. You have to know this doesn't last and BAM, I'm under...bloobbloobbloob...air air AIR. Gasp!
Need. Bigger. Surfboard.


There's zero point in distractions. The demon waits.
It looms in the shadows and has infinite patience.
May as well get that snorkel fitted because I'm goin' in.
:)


If I did not have humour, and use it on myself; if I did not, absolutely without a doubt, LOVE LIFE, I would be certified insane.


What HSP (highly sensitive person) wouldn't be?

Letting one's guard down around someone with an open heart is what does it. Waterworks galore....just because of that feeling of safety and being understood. Remaining guarded, stand-offish, tough, aloof, any of these things and more is not the path to a real life, an open life, a loving life. 
Compassion. Trust. Vulnerability. Surrender.
phew!!
Huge words, I fought my whole young life. Thank goodness I started figuring things out, or I'd still be some tough city street chick....and nothing more. One dimensional. 
bleh! 

When we are hurt, we can never blame another as we had our role to play, and if we played it with love, there would be less carnage. (I use the term play, not in a way that is meant to demean or downplay. I use it to lighten.) The more we are, the more we can communicate. And doesn't everyone know by now that that communication is the KEY to a relationship; be it lovers, friends, with a parent or sibling, a boss, a client. Anyone.



Back to broken hearts or stomachs or other organs...
Loving and letting go is the most honourable, most respectful, most loving thing a human being can do for another. Loving and possessing, not so much. Hahaha!
To say one is mine, is to claim a human being.
Even a child is not anyone's. They are their own.


It aches to let go.
It aches.
The longing to be with someone when we have connected feels insurmountable.
And then, I remember, it is the love for the self that this derives from. Missing love for the self creates that supreme longing. The one that feels like you will DIE if...
And you know we do get sick. We get physically ill.
We are out of alignment with what we wish we had, and this creates havoc.

Love, O love, real love, is the one that wants to very best for someone, and that may not be (insert own name here). 

Love, O love, real love, is the one that lasts no matter what, because it keeps caring, it keeps checking in, it keeps guiding and assisting in any way that is appropriate and requested by the other.

And where is this broken heart, and how does it mend?
It is the whole body that breaks. Our ego that did not get what it desired makes it hurt.

The heart knows that it cannot break because its capacity to love is immeasurable!

I will post this unedited, and may change my mind and edit it in the morning, in which case I will say i have edited it. I appreciate you reading this, and please feel free to comment.

Authenticity, integrity, compassion...you know, the little things!

Stardate: November Twenty-fifth, Twenty-ten

No amount of yoga philosophy books will teach one to be aware, present, forgiving, accepting, caring and loving from an authentic place. Perhaps this is why there are so many books and so few people with natural integrity. 

Which brings to mind (and heart): what good are self-help books?

Too many just learn to manipulte the language.

They sure sound good, enlightened, progressive...

These words are tossed around enough, huge signs are emblazoned with them, they are in mission and vision statements, and yet...where oh where are these ways of being to be truly found. So much so that the person one is relating to can just stand in the fire of the conversation or the situation and not cower. With such abandonment it leaves one with the feeling of, "I'm not safe". Not safe to express and be oneself.

See I'm far from so evolved, perfect or any such lofty ideals, what I am is always being real, always loving and always open...open to listen, open to see, open to feel. Open.

Also I tend to put my quirks on the table. Why wait? (Hahaha!)

If I had a nickle for every time someone asked me, "Are you always this happy?" Truth is is that I'm not that happy, let alone always happy. I am just being present with whomever I am sharing a moment with, be it a cashier, a house-mate, a stranger, a friend. Everyone gets the same treatment. Same.

This has been and still is quite disconcerting to many people. 
You know, grown ups. 
Kids are into it. They have no use for masks....yet.

Oh and if I had a nickle for every time I met someone that preached compassion et al, and was an absolute..ahem!..well, I'd be quite rich. This used to shock me, and now it shocks me when I met a genuine person. One who is whole and complete. One who is unafraid to speak their heart, and stay with it, with me, with others...


People are magnetized to the joy-full ones and then proceed with the destruction of that unbridled bliss. The cutting down of the dreams, ideas, musings, and high energy. They couldn't handle it! It's not their fault, it's society...as a dear friend used to state often. Hee, hee! 

Well, it is their fault. 

I'm so done with those who pretend to be open, who pretend they have energy, who pretend they accept people as they are. Those that pretend they have integrity are the worst. They talk the talk and cannot (or will not) walk the walk. So busy playing the game of dog eat dog...to get their piece before there's nothing left. What is forgotten is many more pies can be created. I have left many an organization that sure sounded on the up-and-up, and they were no different than most every where. Just as dirty, just as empty.
Incongruent! 


This is crazy-making.


My wise brother once told me, "People are who they were when they were 8." Of course I debated that with him, and he wouldn't budge. So I did what I do. I spent days contemplating it, turning it over, swimming in it, talking to others about it. And then, I realized, he was absolutely right. One's default character, the one when put under stress, is the person one has always been. This is why even humanitarian organizations cannot even get along with each other, let alone be supremely good to their own families and friends.


Oh the things/people I've seen and the experiences I've had.
I will not allow sarcasm and cynicism to infiltrate. Sneaky buggers.
I know that I am okay. :)


May you find you are winning this battle as well.


As usual this comes to you unedited, unfiltred.
Do lend me your thoughts if you feel so inclined.

Love does not discern...cliques suck!

My voice mail message is:

“You love one person and that love leads you to hundreds.”

I forget where that quote came from, and that is no matter. I identify with it.

How can one say I love so and so and I hate so and so?

This is senseless.

Love does not discern.

I’m not so interested in the one-to-one relationship, often sacrificing it for some higher purpose or calling. This may sound lofty or even saint-like, and I assure you it isn’t. Hahaha! My callings are huge, loud and multi-coloured. Definitely not for the feint of heart. I frighten myself at every turn. There are countless moments where I have asked myself, “Where am I going?”, “What am I doing?”, and of course the simple one, “Why?”

I’m being facetious.

There is nothing simple about anything I think nor do.

Here’s the heart of today’s writing:

Cliques/clans/groups and outsiders/travelers/explorers.

A close friend insisted I take his copy of “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” with me on this part of my journey; back to Hawai’i. From the very first paragraph I came unraveled. Not hard to do, as my emotions are on high. I read each line slowly and deliberately and some of them many times over. Yes, I related to that bird. Jonathan just wanted to go beyond the limits, see what there is to learn and then share it with the flock. This was not a selfish act, however everyone looked at him like he was a weirdo and banished him from the clan. They couldn’t understand why he could not just be normal and fly to eat – their only reason for flying. Jon couldn’t understand how they could all be so complacent and not want to see what was possible. He would learn for them all, and then show them.

Well, what can I say? Jonathan is like all of us so called rebels, a.k.a. heretics, outsiders, etc. Sure we want to belong, and sure we want t share all we’ve learnt, and we are just not accepted because…well, because we are “different”.

I, for one, always have my antennae up for like-minded individuals. If I couldn’t find them in my travels, I would never have a chance to feel normal and safe.

Having made peace with solitude and born with the gift of self-entertainment, I do not want nor desire much. Sitting by water, hiking up to a view point, a slow beach walk, large empty spaces to run, spin, jump and be silly, gymnastic bars at the park…all are equally good for rejuvination. Oh, and a great conversation. I live for those.

Here in the magical land of aloha, there is great opportunity. My mind is just starting to wrap itself around the recurring thought, “I live here!”. It took a while to land….and still. The almost 7 months I spent here this year already was to be temporary and now it’s a whole different world/mind-set. I may need to (re)mention here that I have not had a fixed address in about 15 years (live-aboard, house-sitting, travel, sailing, exploring).

If I can stay put for one year, I will know that I have arrived…so to speak. ☺

May you remember that you get to choose JOY and with that attitude, almost nothing is impossible.

Until the next transmission, love and be lovable. :)

Things you can’t leave behind

Second blog

Stardate September 22, 2010
Equinox 2010

The way I live, the way my mind works, the world around me…there is so much fodder, it is challenging to pick one thing to write about.

Since I returned to the mainland, I have been shredding old papers and files, and uncluttering. It’s a process, and cannot be rushed. It happens in spurts. Basically as it is now ALL of my belongings fit in my car and there would be room for a passenger.

And still, it feels like too much…because I cannot carry it all in my hands and am desiring to go back to Hawaii to live….longer this time. It's the lifestyle; the daily fruit I eat, the daily healthy activities I do, the magnificent ocean & mountains, and of course the people. The fragrant air, the stars, the relaxed pace...okay, there is no such place as paradise. We create and choose that with our minds and hearts.

Precious books on subjects that are difficult to find (all non-fiction types), and gear for my favourite activities (lifestyle) take up space:

~ yoga mats, clothes and notes & books
~ sailing gear for all seasons and books (just a few)
~ karate (clothing and a couple of books)
~ figure skating (just really great pair of skates made in England & the blades from Italy)
~ beading, paper-making, bookbinding and other crafts (although much of this shtuff has been given away) tools and supplies.

Of course there’s the laptop and external harddrives and graphics tablet. My office/business, my entertainment, my virtual life.

Clothes.
Not a ridiculous amount, however stuff for all seasons, including coats, jackets, raincoats, boots, sneakers, shoes, flipflops and hiking gear/wear.

What I would need in a tropical place of clothing is not much of all this weight.
What I would need to live (anywhere), belongings necessary, are a lot of these thingies.
Hmmmm, I need a Sherpa!

What do I do with old journals of years gone past? I wish they were all electronic, alas, they’re not.

One day, when I figure out how to use BumGlue (trademarked by Savant authors) I will be writing my story/stories. I may need to refer to those journals. Perhaps though remembering anything as I will even if it turns to fiction, my mind makes it real (as per Morpheus on The Matrix). Hahaha!

What to take and what to donate…that is again the question.
Maybe there will come a day when I can keep my belongings, and maybe none of that matters. I relish the thought of being so detached to material possessions that I would not even miss a thing.

A friend recently asked me a few really good questions:

What is on the other side when I break a limit (i.e. in dance)?

How do I let go and move & travel even with the profound in-the-moment attachment and intimacy I have with people? Leaving everyone behind…even though I love them.

I glide easily into various lives and places and feel like I have always been there and that I will always be there.

It’s all an emotional rollercoaster ride.
Certainly, not for the feint of heart .

It feels like I’m an explorer of this life and there is no rest, not even in my sleep. What little I get is jam packed with action dreams and deep feelings. Exhausting!

So…
What to leave behind.
What is irreplaceable.
What is absolutely necessary for day to day living doing the work I love and the leisure activities I love.

Hmmm…

Exhilarating.
Frightening.
I am perched on the edge of the proverbial cliff ready to leap again.

Choosing joy IS the mission

After getting onto blogger.com a zillion years ago when it first appeared, I never wrote a single word. That account long evaporated, and here I find myself with a compulsion to express...something.

As a recently certified yoga teacher, I have had the privilege of time to dive deeply into my mind. Woah! I've discovered I'm inclined/drawn to help/heal people whether their need is physical or emotional. (Website with video and testimonials coming soon.)
Teaching yoga may be the last lily pad to leap onto, having been a karate instructor, an aerobics instructor, and unofficially a gymnastics and sailing instructor too. All this life experience lends itself to a well-rounded experiential class. I enjoy taking people on a journey. 
In truth, I just love to play and this is how it manifests itself: sharing with others all the wonder-full things I'm learning.

Currently I'm psyching up for yet another journey. This one will be a road trip taking me in a loop from Chicago to a yoga center, to possibly Long Island, NY,  and Portland, ME, then up to Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto and back here. After that, well, the world is my oyster.

Enough jibber, jabber and on to the heart of the matter:

One thing that's on my mind and in my heart today.

What we think, resonates outwards and creates our experience.

A mouthful.

Yes.

Here, look at it this way: a person who fears dogs, approaches a passerby walking their dog. The dog starts barking at her/him and bearing their teeth. The dog-fearer, gets more frightened to the point that the dog wants to jump them and bite.

Why does this happen?

The fear is the instigator. The hapless doggie, who sees itself as a love-muffin, doesn't get it, and so needs to fight against it; quash it. So to speak. Know what I mean, jelly bean?

It's a simplified version of what's going on on a global scale.

Suppression, oppression, occupation, and all the killing.

It's fear expressing itself.

Exclusion vs. inclusion. Differences vs. similarities.

It's also what's going on on a micro-scale;  just you, or me, or any other person.

We do, absolutely, and without a doubt create our experience.

Not always a pretty sight, yeah?

There is a healthy amount of fear needed to keep us safe.
This is not what I'm talking about here.

Just like yoga is going somewhat mainstream, this "language", this ideology, is reaching far and wide. Sprinkling our day to day experience and interaction with others. Okay, okay, not every one is in on it. Those of us that live it, cannot help but keep spreading it, in hopes that maybe one day, just maybe, it will affect/infect all.

Can we go on like this?

For any sensitive person, life in general society is rough.
Challenging to say the least.

To have the courage to choose, and I mean choose, joy over despair, as often as possible IS the mission.

How else could one create more good things to come to pass?

If we allow ourselves to sink into all that available destructiveness, well then, what's the point of continuing living?

Here's to living life full on, fully expressed, no holding back.
Yes!

Until the next time...in joy, yours.

Unedited.
An experiment.