Stardate September Fourth, Zero Thirteen
Lately I have been walking.
No motorcycle to zip me around in a hyper aware and exhilarated state.
No car to get around in a vegetative state.
I walk.
Thousands of footsteps alone with my thoughts. Thousands.
Sometimes I can just tune into my heartbeat and breath.
That is my meditative state....whilst walking slowly, whilst consciously breathing.
I'm on a journey.
Yes, a real traveling journey, that's the external/physical one, however the internal one is a major shift.
An adjustment of epic proportions is taking place.
Solitude has been good for this introspective process that needed time and space.
I am lucky enough to have this.
Solitude and I did not used to be friends.
I believe I only discovered that I am good with myself, alone, a decade ago...maybe a decade and a half. My mind entertains me to no end, and I am never bored.
Still, to be in solitude with a quiet mind is my goal, hence the long, slow, quiet walks.
A long time ago, a friend from Galiano Island, B.C. said to me, "Sure it's easy to meditate and find peace of mind living in a cave or some such place, but can one do this in the middle of a bustling city, in a crowded space, in noise and chaos?" It was such a good and new kind of question to me at the time, and then I realized that we were doing that right there Being completely present, tuning out the students and havoc going on around us in the tiny film school office (where I was working at the time), and having this very quiet, profound conversation. All others had melted away. Cool, I thought. I hadn't realized I could do that.
I have been walking the streets of my cities in my travels, alone, in quiet, with the quest to dig deep...deep inside my heart and mind, my stomach even to find answers. The answer to the age old question: What does Helen want? (I should add a Volume 1 here. Hahaha!)
The answer has hit me over the head like a boulder.
It was rather unexpected and illuminating.
I know.
I know that I know, and there's no going back now.
It involves another's heart, and patience has not been my best virtue. Hee, hee!
Being forth coming, speaking unfiltered, and then awaiting a response....oi!
It's challenging and worth it.
To know another is to know the self.
To love another is to love the self.
This cannot be separate.
And one must start with the self.
The adjustments to a new idea of how to be in my life, and with who, are radically different, and will fall into place as they will. Forcing anything to happen never works. A little nurturing and a sprinkle of hope...okay lots of hope. :)
To live in the possibilities...ah yes, that is what this all is about.
If not for that thought, why bother.
In the quiet moments, one can hear their own voice, discerning it from others.
I have heard mine.
I know what I want.
I hold that dearly in my heart.
Posted, unedited, straight from the heart.
Feedback/thoughts always welcome.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Unbroken spirit!
Star date September Third, Two Zero Thirteen
Aloha all of You fine Peops You!
It's been too long, and I am needing to write....or is it this glass of pinot noir that has enticed this outpouring. Ha!
Ah yes, the unbroken spirit subject. This is me. Many of you know already about my plight. It has been quite unnerving to say the least, all belongings owned pretty much either destroyed or stolen.
And here I am....me...left standing....shinier than ever.
Hence, who needs shtuff?!
:D
My clothes are new (or second hand or given to me), vehicles borrowed from time to time, new laptoppy, and other things need replacing....all in good time.
You may already know I had a stalker/vermin guy on my tail/trail in Honolulu. You may know I used to date said person (over a year and a half ago). You may know that I did not handle all this well as I could have, I had zero experience with such things. You may know that I thought I could understand such a brain/mind-set, as I believe(d) I KNOW people....well, and how obviously wrong I was, One cannot predict the mind of a psychopath. One cannot predict when said person will stop, when enough will be enough. I had thought I could. Amateur! (me)
And so...
I stand here after having gone "through hell" and as the saying goes, "When going through hell just keep going." Hahaha! And I am post fear, post madness, post devastation, I still laugh, and I still dance, and I still sail, and I still ride, and I still play, and I still love! LOVE! Bigger and better than ever. My spirit is brighter than ever. I feel strong. I am clear. Crystal. Yes!
What a roller coaster ride it's been! Such is life, and the unknown is where I reside.
Yes, it was horrible.
Yes, it rendered me to tears more than once. Meltdowns even.
And yes, I found people that had experienced such things and guided me back to balance.
So here is a list of positive things that have come out of this horrid experience:
1. People, even strangers, stepped out of the woodwork to help in huge ways. I could never have predicted, nor known people are so compassionate, listening, and care. I had felt isolated in trying to ignore "the problem" and it wasn't going away. So when I spoke up finally, I was overwhelmed with the amount of assistance that poured in. Tears I tell you. Tears.
2. This experience has had me re-evaluate my life and way of being. It has made me even more compassionate, more gentle with myself, forced me to ask for help, raised my ability to receive (I sucked at these two things), revisited my ideas on relationships and ways of being in them, enticed me to be even more brutally honest and forthcoming with people (like it or not, I speak unfiltered).
3. I have changed my trajectory completely. I have a new outlook. I am wanting something different. Change is good!
4. And yeah, okay, I had wanted to use my martial arts training and badassery to kick this guy's ass myself! I didn't. I used self-control like never before. Discipline. The only reason I would ever strike someone is if they hit me first. I'd finish it then. Certainly.
Ultimately we are who we are, and as my brother says, "People are who they were at 8 years old." I am still an earnest, enthusiastic, never-say-die, play-full, going-for-excellence person that wants to serve and help as many people that cross my path as possible. I will just be more discerning. This is paramount.
"I am....." (finish this declaration for yourself), is the most power-full of sentences.
Use it consciously.
It will give you power.
As always I will post unedited, typed straight from the heart/head, fully me.
I welcome any comments and critiques.
Aloha all of You fine Peops You!
It's been too long, and I am needing to write....or is it this glass of pinot noir that has enticed this outpouring. Ha!
Ah yes, the unbroken spirit subject. This is me. Many of you know already about my plight. It has been quite unnerving to say the least, all belongings owned pretty much either destroyed or stolen.
And here I am....me...left standing....shinier than ever.
Hence, who needs shtuff?!
:D
My clothes are new (or second hand or given to me), vehicles borrowed from time to time, new laptoppy, and other things need replacing....all in good time.
You may already know I had a stalker/vermin guy on my tail/trail in Honolulu. You may know I used to date said person (over a year and a half ago). You may know that I did not handle all this well as I could have, I had zero experience with such things. You may know that I thought I could understand such a brain/mind-set, as I believe(d) I KNOW people....well, and how obviously wrong I was, One cannot predict the mind of a psychopath. One cannot predict when said person will stop, when enough will be enough. I had thought I could. Amateur! (me)
And so...
I stand here after having gone "through hell" and as the saying goes, "When going through hell just keep going." Hahaha! And I am post fear, post madness, post devastation, I still laugh, and I still dance, and I still sail, and I still ride, and I still play, and I still love! LOVE! Bigger and better than ever. My spirit is brighter than ever. I feel strong. I am clear. Crystal. Yes!
What a roller coaster ride it's been! Such is life, and the unknown is where I reside.
Yes, it was horrible.
Yes, it rendered me to tears more than once. Meltdowns even.
And yes, I found people that had experienced such things and guided me back to balance.
So here is a list of positive things that have come out of this horrid experience:
1. People, even strangers, stepped out of the woodwork to help in huge ways. I could never have predicted, nor known people are so compassionate, listening, and care. I had felt isolated in trying to ignore "the problem" and it wasn't going away. So when I spoke up finally, I was overwhelmed with the amount of assistance that poured in. Tears I tell you. Tears.
2. This experience has had me re-evaluate my life and way of being. It has made me even more compassionate, more gentle with myself, forced me to ask for help, raised my ability to receive (I sucked at these two things), revisited my ideas on relationships and ways of being in them, enticed me to be even more brutally honest and forthcoming with people (like it or not, I speak unfiltered).
3. I have changed my trajectory completely. I have a new outlook. I am wanting something different. Change is good!
4. And yeah, okay, I had wanted to use my martial arts training and badassery to kick this guy's ass myself! I didn't. I used self-control like never before. Discipline. The only reason I would ever strike someone is if they hit me first. I'd finish it then. Certainly.
Ultimately we are who we are, and as my brother says, "People are who they were at 8 years old." I am still an earnest, enthusiastic, never-say-die, play-full, going-for-excellence person that wants to serve and help as many people that cross my path as possible. I will just be more discerning. This is paramount.
"I am....." (finish this declaration for yourself), is the most power-full of sentences.
Use it consciously.
It will give you power.
As always I will post unedited, typed straight from the heart/head, fully me.
I welcome any comments and critiques.
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